Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
The Carrboro film festival...
...is just as awesome as it sounds. Every time I let my mind wander for a moment, my brain finds cause to remind me of one film in particular. I can only imagine the casting meeting where the writer-director-star told the actor, "you know how black guys act on TV all the time? Just do that."
Atrocious.
yo quero death.
MUSIC: daft punk: harder, better, faster, stronger
Atrocious.
yo quero death.
MUSIC: daft punk: harder, better, faster, stronger
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Baltimore is crawling with Werewolves
Everyone knows that there have been a few werewolf villages from time to time in rural England or in probably Canada, but these were largely wiped out by Christopher Lee in the 40s and 50s. Lee's battle in 1973 with the werewolf queen (crudely reenacted in a 1985 mockumentary) was believed to have caused the extinction of Lycanthropy.
This belief, however, proved false.
Werewolves began to appear in America in the late 1970's but did not begin to gain a foothold until the election of Ronald Reagan. The Reagan era denial of the werewolf problem was due in large part to the myopic obsession with the USSR, and any attempt to draw federal attention to the problem was likely to be shrugged off with a joke about East Germany's female athletes. This high-level denial placed the burden for investigation and prevention squarely on democrat shoulders.
One of the up and coming anti-werewolf activists was a young Marylander named Martin O'Malley. After trying to aid in the fight nationwide, O'Malley dedicated himself to defending the city of Baltimore in particular when he joined the city council in 1991. Both as councilman and mayor, O'Malley kept the werewolf presence to a minimum... which won him some powerful enemies in the werewolf community.
These enemies found their opportunity to strike in January of 2007 when O'Malley left Baltimore after being elected Governor. Stymied for so long, the werewolves were quick to take advantage in January. An unstoppable horde of terror was unleashed on the city, and the terrified authorities could do nothing but try and conceal the problem.
So effective was the effort at concealing that I moved to the heart of the epidemic with narry a clue.
What must be understood is that most of the lycanthrope damage is totally unreported. What is reported comes through as drug-related murders or armed robberies gone awry. Here's the reported incidences (estimates are that actual kills or conversions number in the thousands). Here's where I moved to. I was surrounded.
The attacks were controlled for a short time because of the impending mayoral primaries... now that Baltimore was finally a werewolf playground, the last thing any lycanthrope wanted was to give the voters reason to elect an anti-werewolf candidate like Mike "Wolfsbane" Schaeffer. After Werewolf denier Sheila Dixon won the primary, virtually ensuring election in November, however, I knew it was time to go.
Initially, the plan was to go west. Werewolves hate California due to earthquakes, and the presence of an action hero governor is also a strong deterrent. Plus the shallow style-over-substance aesthetic in Hollywood has always offended the hairy, soulful werewolf. My lovely lady and I barricaded the door and stocked up on silver bullets and waited to hear from employers in the Pacific time zone. When we finally did, though, we were disappointed.
Research has since shown that the move to not hire me was motivated by fear of werewolves giving chase and coming to make war on the pretty boy Hollywood vampires, however, and not by any lack of skill or hireability on my part.
Finally, in desperation to escape, we sold most of our stuff and leapt into the car. The tiny Yaris was full to bursting, and with werewolves on our heels, we had to make haste. First we drove south through pretty much all over Virginia. Fearing that we would be smelled, we looped back and forth over our own tracks many times, going to Asheville, Chapel Hill, Clayton, Spartanburg, Durham, and Raleigh.
We think we finally lost them when we got our scents confused with a lot of apparently delicious farm animals.
It seems that werewolves can only keep one scent straight at a time. I tried cooking with lots of garlic and spice, and we definitely ate plenty of Thai food and even some Vietnamese, but it was to no avail. Bathing and cooking like normal over such a distance would have taken care of our werewolf pursuit problems most years, of course. This is not most years. The severe drought allows scent to carry further than usual without the interference of moisture. That plus the fact that we were being pursued by the werewolf that was once Ray Lewis meant we had a lot to contend with. Good thing werewolves can't resist t
he smell of baby livestock.
In the clear for the moment, I'm living with my brother and girlfriend in Chapel Hill. Ohio is giving me unemployment so I'm struggling to get some writing done. Bearings are being gotten and plans formulated. By the end of spring I will likely be on the run again.... if I survive that long.
MUSIC: wolf parade: modern world
This belief, however, proved false.
Werewolves began to appear in America in the late 1970's but did not begin to gain a foothold until the election of Ronald Reagan. The Reagan era denial of the werewolf problem was due in large part to the myopic obsession with the USSR, and any attempt to draw federal attention to the problem was likely to be shrugged off with a joke about East Germany's female athletes. This high-level denial placed the burden for investigation and prevention squarely on democrat shoulders.
One of the up and coming anti-werewolf activists was a young Marylander named Martin O'Malley. After trying to aid in the fight nationwide, O'Malley dedicated himself to defending the city of Baltimore in particular when he joined the city council in 1991. Both as councilman and mayor, O'Malley kept the werewolf presence to a minimum... which won him some powerful enemies in the werewolf community.
These enemies found their opportunity to strike in January of 2007 when O'Malley left Baltimore after being elected Governor. Stymied for so long, the werewolves were quick to take advantage in January. An unstoppable horde of terror was unleashed on the city, and the terrified authorities could do nothing but try and conceal the problem.
So effective was the effort at concealing that I moved to the heart of the epidemic with narry a clue.
What must be understood is that most of the lycanthrope damage is totally unreported. What is reported comes through as drug-related murders or armed robberies gone awry. Here's the reported incidences (estimates are that actual kills or conversions number in the thousands). Here's where I moved to. I was surrounded.
The attacks were controlled for a short time because of the impending mayoral primaries... now that Baltimore was finally a werewolf playground, the last thing any lycanthrope wanted was to give the voters reason to elect an anti-werewolf candidate like Mike "Wolfsbane" Schaeffer. After Werewolf denier Sheila Dixon won the primary, virtually ensuring election in November, however, I knew it was time to go.
Initially, the plan was to go west. Werewolves hate California due to earthquakes, and the presence of an action hero governor is also a strong deterrent. Plus the shallow style-over-substance aesthetic in Hollywood has always offended the hairy, soulful werewolf. My lovely lady and I barricaded the door and stocked up on silver bullets and waited to hear from employers in the Pacific time zone. When we finally did, though, we were disappointed.
Research has since shown that the move to not hire me was motivated by fear of werewolves giving chase and coming to make war on the pretty boy Hollywood vampires, however, and not by any lack of skill or hireability on my part.
Finally, in desperation to escape, we sold most of our stuff and leapt into the car. The tiny Yaris was full to bursting, and with werewolves on our heels, we had to make haste. First we drove south through pretty much all over Virginia. Fearing that we would be smelled, we looped back and forth over our own tracks many times, going to Asheville, Chapel Hill, Clayton, Spartanburg, Durham, and Raleigh.
We think we finally lost them when we got our scents confused with a lot of apparently delicious farm animals.
It seems that werewolves can only keep one scent straight at a time. I tried cooking with lots of garlic and spice, and we definitely ate plenty of Thai food and even some Vietnamese, but it was to no avail. Bathing and cooking like normal over such a distance would have taken care of our werewolf pursuit problems most years, of course. This is not most years. The severe drought allows scent to carry further than usual without the interference of moisture. That plus the fact that we were being pursued by the werewolf that was once Ray Lewis meant we had a lot to contend with. Good thing werewolves can't resist t
he smell of baby livestock.In the clear for the moment, I'm living with my brother and girlfriend in Chapel Hill. Ohio is giving me unemployment so I'm struggling to get some writing done. Bearings are being gotten and plans formulated. By the end of spring I will likely be on the run again.... if I survive that long.
MUSIC: wolf parade: modern world
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Hiatus Schmiatus
The long hot drought the nation has endured is over! The dangerous thirst of the world is slaked! Drink deep of the life-giving errata of my prose and rejoice at my return unto the blogosphere!
Also, accept my apology for the tone above, I am watching reports on evangelists. (Note to Senate investigators: A man who changes his name to Creflo Dollar IS profiting overmuch from anything he is involved in.)
This spot will soon be full of an abbreviated update on the last three months during which I lost internet, car, state of residence, and a number of fantasy football games. Also, I'll throw some pictures and maybe some opinions about movies around willy nilly.
Should I join the WGA anytime soon, however, updates will cease until I get my iTunes residuals.
MUSIC: maritime: german engineering
Also, accept my apology for the tone above, I am watching reports on evangelists. (Note to Senate investigators: A man who changes his name to Creflo Dollar IS profiting overmuch from anything he is involved in.)
This spot will soon be full of an abbreviated update on the last three months during which I lost internet, car, state of residence, and a number of fantasy football games. Also, I'll throw some pictures and maybe some opinions about movies around willy nilly.
Should I join the WGA anytime soon, however, updates will cease until I get my iTunes residuals.
MUSIC: maritime: german engineering
Friday, August 03, 2007
Son, we sent Margot to live on a farm.
When I was a kid way back in Mocksville , I had a dog named Mutt. He got hit by a truck and got beaten up by a few cars, but he was a tough old bastard. One day when a neighbor was playing on a giant pile of mulch in our driveway (don't ask), he was bitten by his dog.
He liked his dog, so he claimed Mutt did it. It was decided that Mutt was a crotchety, child-biting mongrel. The only thing to do, my father and the kid's father determined, was to have Mutt humanely shot full of chemicals and killed. As I was only about 8 at the time, my father did not tell me that he had my dog euthanized. He instead told me that Mutt had been sent to live on a farm.
Well, son... I know you really liked old Gunmetal Margot... but... remember your old dog, Mutt?
Well... you're 25 now, so I'll tell you the truth. Mutt bit some kid and we put him down. And Margot... well, she got old and useless and has inoperable problems... basically the hobbit that turns the crank case is depressed and needs therapy. We need to get us a new hobbit. They's from the land beyond time... Land beyond time's also gonna hook us up with a unicorn for the radiator. I ain't even gonna tell you 'bout that haunted air condition. Then that air filter, that's made of plutonium, that's gonna require superman, so, you know, plus shipping from krypton. Then the cow, Jumped over the moon. So... we donated her to blind children or something.
May Gunmetal Margot rest in peace.
In a related story, I believe I am in contention for two positions at one company, and neither of the hire-ers is aware of the other seeking me. Hopefully this is all for the good.
Also, I went to a drive in and saw Harry Potter. Let me do some capsule reviews, in fact:
Harry Potter: Who is that seemingly nice besweatered fascist nailing up proclamations curtailing freedom and the Geneva Convention in the name of confused denial and governmental stupidity? For letting Gary Oldman use the costumes and hairstyles he took from his daylight Dracula escapades and casting Laura Bush as herself, I give you the rating of 2 tacos and 2 tostadas.
(Note about ratings: ratings based on the order of the talking hand Jennifer Lopez from that episode of South Park in her #1 hit song "Taco Flavored Kisses." The full order is "3 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop.")
Sunshine: The last half hour of this movie is so at odds with the rest of the picture that it's hard to imagine it didn't change hands. It feels like Danny Boyle was forced to change an ending that didn't test well or perhaps suffered horrible brain trauma or maybe thought it would be funny to edit in Event Horizon outtakes over the actual suspenseful or poetic (or both) ending he actually made. 2 tacos, 1 tostada, and a soda pop. (before last half hour: 3 tacos, 2 tostadas).
Once: You are lovely and shot well and very pleasant. I like your music a lot. There's some Czech in there, too. And you make me want to go to Dublin a lot. I wonder if it was really such a great idea to play that one song so much, though. I mean, it's good, but can you really afford to play a song 3 times in a 90 minute picture? 3 tacos, 2 tostadas.
Crazy Love: I know what you're thinking... does this movie star Julia Stiles? No, it does not. In fact, it is a documentary about a man who blinded the woman he loved with acid, went to prison, and then got out to marry her. They have been together now for some 30 years or so. The story is interesting, but the film is more of an extended episode of A&E's Biography show than a great piece of documentary filmmaking. 3 tacos, 2 tostadas.
DVD viewing:
Badlands: 3 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop
Mirrormask: 2 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop
Undertow: 3 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop
Mulholland Drive: 3 tacos, 1 tostada, and a soda pop
The Battle of Algiers: 3 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop
Also, here is a picture from the Yucatan Coast. It is just as hot here, but not as pretty.
MUSIC: the mountain goats: design your own container garden
He liked his dog, so he claimed Mutt did it. It was decided that Mutt was a crotchety, child-biting mongrel. The only thing to do, my father and the kid's father determined, was to have Mutt humanely shot full of chemicals and killed. As I was only about 8 at the time, my father did not tell me that he had my dog euthanized. He instead told me that Mutt had been sent to live on a farm.
Well, son... I know you really liked old Gunmetal Margot... but... remember your old dog, Mutt?
Well... you're 25 now, so I'll tell you the truth. Mutt bit some kid and we put him down. And Margot... well, she got old and useless and has inoperable problems... basically the hobbit that turns the crank case is depressed and needs therapy. We need to get us a new hobbit. They's from the land beyond time... Land beyond time's also gonna hook us up with a unicorn for the radiator. I ain't even gonna tell you 'bout that haunted air condition. Then that air filter, that's made of plutonium, that's gonna require superman, so, you know, plus shipping from krypton. Then the cow, Jumped over the moon. So... we donated her to blind children or something.
May Gunmetal Margot rest in peace.
In a related story, I believe I am in contention for two positions at one company, and neither of the hire-ers is aware of the other seeking me. Hopefully this is all for the good.
Also, I went to a drive in and saw Harry Potter. Let me do some capsule reviews, in fact:
Harry Potter: Who is that seemingly nice besweatered fascist nailing up proclamations curtailing freedom and the Geneva Convention in the name of confused denial and governmental stupidity? For letting Gary Oldman use the costumes and hairstyles he took from his daylight Dracula escapades and casting Laura Bush as herself, I give you the rating of 2 tacos and 2 tostadas.
(Note about ratings: ratings based on the order of the talking hand Jennifer Lopez from that episode of South Park in her #1 hit song "Taco Flavored Kisses." The full order is "3 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop.")
Sunshine: The last half hour of this movie is so at odds with the rest of the picture that it's hard to imagine it didn't change hands. It feels like Danny Boyle was forced to change an ending that didn't test well or perhaps suffered horrible brain trauma or maybe thought it would be funny to edit in Event Horizon outtakes over the actual suspenseful or poetic (or both) ending he actually made. 2 tacos, 1 tostada, and a soda pop. (before last half hour: 3 tacos, 2 tostadas).
Once: You are lovely and shot well and very pleasant. I like your music a lot. There's some Czech in there, too. And you make me want to go to Dublin a lot. I wonder if it was really such a great idea to play that one song so much, though. I mean, it's good, but can you really afford to play a song 3 times in a 90 minute picture? 3 tacos, 2 tostadas.
Crazy Love: I know what you're thinking... does this movie star Julia Stiles? No, it does not. In fact, it is a documentary about a man who blinded the woman he loved with acid, went to prison, and then got out to marry her. They have been together now for some 30 years or so. The story is interesting, but the film is more of an extended episode of A&E's Biography show than a great piece of documentary filmmaking. 3 tacos, 2 tostadas.
DVD viewing:
Badlands: 3 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop
Mirrormask: 2 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop
Undertow: 3 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop
Mulholland Drive: 3 tacos, 1 tostada, and a soda pop
The Battle of Algiers: 3 tacos, 2 tostadas, and a soda pop
Also, here is a picture from the Yucatan Coast. It is just as hot here, but not as pretty.
MUSIC: the mountain goats: design your own container garden
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Here is a jar with a snake in it
I was on a boat that went to from Fort Lauderdale to Key West to Cozumel to Belize City. I have never sweated so much in all my life.
In Mexico I went to a Mayan site and saw a man attacking the ground with a machete. In Key West I saw a lot of chickens but failed to eat any of them. Belize involved a very dark cave.
Upon returning to the Chesapeake I discovered that my car wants to retire. You know how Rocky Balboa keeps retiring in every single movie only to utterly fail to stay retired? Well my car's not doing that. The boxing commission (in this case the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration) will not let Rocky (gunmetal margot) get back into the ring (drive) without undergoing extensive reconstructive surgery (thousands of dollars worth or repairs). Despite wanting to prove that he's (she's) still got it, the power of attorney crap in Rocky V makes it impossible (my being poor and wanting a new car makes it impossible). Rocky will now be forced to open a restaurant and tell stories of the good old days (gunmetal margot will be forced to be sold to a scrap yard and slowly fall apart).
On the plus side, though, I bought a flag of Belize that someone appears to have stolen from a school or government office.
Now, here is a jar with a snake in it.
MUSIC: Sunset Rubdown: Snake's Got a Leg III
In Mexico I went to a Mayan site and saw a man attacking the ground with a machete. In Key West I saw a lot of chickens but failed to eat any of them. Belize involved a very dark cave.
Upon returning to the Chesapeake I discovered that my car wants to retire. You know how Rocky Balboa keeps retiring in every single movie only to utterly fail to stay retired? Well my car's not doing that. The boxing commission (in this case the Maryland Motor Vehicle Administration) will not let Rocky (gunmetal margot) get back into the ring (drive) without undergoing extensive reconstructive surgery (thousands of dollars worth or repairs). Despite wanting to prove that he's (she's) still got it, the power of attorney crap in Rocky V makes it impossible (my being poor and wanting a new car makes it impossible). Rocky will now be forced to open a restaurant and tell stories of the good old days (gunmetal margot will be forced to be sold to a scrap yard and slowly fall apart).
On the plus side, though, I bought a flag of Belize that someone appears to have stolen from a school or government office.
Now, here is a jar with a snake in it.
MUSIC: Sunset Rubdown: Snake's Got a Leg III
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Pittsburgh is crazy
Also, I have mice and my plane leaves at 5:30 in the morning.
Here's to tailoring and dishsoap and art museums that are actually someone's house.
MUSIC: the lemonheads: pittsburgh
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
move = success
This evening I came home to find my keys for my mailbox and laundry room waiting for me and my internet a-working. I have arrived and now feel like I actually live in this berg.
Look, I went down to Virginia.
There are caves.
Also, I picked up my copy of Homicide. It's getting official-er by the moment.
MUSIC: they might be giants: experimental film
Look, I went down to Virginia.
There are caves.
Also, I picked up my copy of Homicide. It's getting official-er by the moment.MUSIC: they might be giants: experimental film
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Update: gypsy curse
Bullets again... can't think... so angry...
- The three eldest brothers of the Johnson-Lorenz family merger were going to make a journey to move. The truck was going to cost 300 bucks.
- 2nd and 3rd eldest got goddamn wrecked into at 1 a.m. friday morning. Jackass was speeding and swerved into them along with 2nd's lady and crushed the wheel well like nobody's business. 2nd could no longer go on trip, and all three stood around blocking traffic until 2:30 a.m.
- 1st showed up Saturday afternoon. Truck actually cost 500 bucks.
- 1st and 3rd drove to Cincinnati where there was an e-mail waiting to tell them that this incredibly expensive truck was not available at any of the dozens of U-haul locations in Cincinnati and so they would have to drive the next morning to Verona fucking Kentucky.
- The drive from Cincinnati to Baltimore took approximately 1 million years longer than it should have. The duo was forced to stop for the night.
- Tired of fast food, the pair arrived at Denny's (not much better, I know) at 10:25 to see a sign posted in the window that explained that, starting at 10, Denny's would not be serving food aside from dessert and salad until the morning.
- Cursing, the pair headed for Taco Bell
- Taco Bell was closed
- McDonald's was repeatedly informed that they should make sure to give plenty of sweet and sour sauce
- Back at the hotel, it is discovered that no sweet and sour sauce was given
- There was no parking in Baltimore
- The previous tenant of the apartment had not moved out
- Not comfortable with moving stuff into an apartment that was still full of someone else's stuff, 3rd and 1st angrily sought to get storage and be done with it.
- The U-haul location did not exist.
- The other U-Haul location gave one month in a storage unit for free.
- That last bit was actually good news. Savor.
- The drive back which should have taken 8 hours took 11.
- Alien abduction
- The Crushanator
- Cell phone service must be replaced. Good, because I'm made of money.
- Deposit.
- 28 hours in a car
- poor
- smashing pumpkins in Asheville... sold out.
- ughh
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Letters of Thanks
Dear Amanda,
Baltimore would've been much more difficult without your help. Also, you are amazing.
Thanks.
Dear Hotwire.com
I had a pizza delivered to my hotel room on friday night, and I bragged to the delivery guy about how sweet you are. I stayed in a 12th floor South tower suite in the Baltimore City Center three blocks from the inner harbor for less than fifty bucks a night. I'd be way broker than I am without your cheap hotels.
Thanks.
Dear Gunmetal Margot.
You are so badass it's unbelievable.
Love,
-Jef
Baltimore would've been much more difficult without your help. Also, you are amazing.
Thanks.
Dear Hotwire.com
I had a pizza delivered to my hotel room on friday night, and I bragged to the delivery guy about how sweet you are. I stayed in a 12th floor South tower suite in the Baltimore City Center three blocks from the inner harbor for less than fifty bucks a night. I'd be way broker than I am without your cheap hotels.
Thanks.
Dear Gunmetal Margot.
You are so badass it's unbelievable.
Love,
-Jef
Monday, April 30, 2007
"I got the jet packed strapped to my back....
...and I am waiting for you to come around..."
The fix is in, cats and kittens. Today is monday and tomorrow is May. Jesse Williams will have a year on me for a few months, and he can celebrate with Guy Maddin and a shindig I wish I could be around for.
Further down the line the Jenga tower is sturdier than this stack of blocks in front of me ought to suggest. I'm feeling very metaphorical this evening.
First, the past:
Last monday I was given a new assignment at work, and this made me feel like I ought to tell the powers in the office about my plans to flee. There was a late meeting going on, so I sent an e-mail to ask for a sit-down the next day. I came back to work in the morning with an e-mail telling me that the sit-down would have to wait because the person I was to sit down with was currently in California.
More or less immediately thereafter I succumbed to some kind of nightmare plague. I went to bed early on Tuesday and really didn't get up until Saturday afternoon. There were long, long periods of sleep and dream jumbled with reading The Blind Assassin again and watching Arrested Development and the first season of The X-Files. At some point I went into work for a half day. It was like mono except I ate a lot. The impressions left in my mind are surreal.
I made myself stay out of bed and awake on saturday whether I liked it or not. I did not.
It worked, though, and sunday was mostly normal.
The illness makes you stupid (keys left in lock overnight, thinking I called in on Friday when this was in fact a dream, for example). I had taken some work home and left it beside my keys so I would not forget it. I forgot it. I left work after ten minutes to drive back home (with the waning rush) and get it.
Then the long delayed meeting:
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Work from home on my own schedule by the Chesapeake all summer? Be able to go work for a week in Asheville if I so choose? Have a steady income and time to find a really good position? Would I be interested? I would.
The Future:
I am going to Baltimore on the 13. I will go from there to Asheville. In Asheville I will shanghai a car and some pairs of hands, and we will trek up to Cincinnati. We will load a truck with my possessions, give my abode a quick scrubbing and caravan back to Baltimore to get me moved in and situated. Then it's back to asheville to drink more whiskey than Brendan Behan and get my car back (events to be separated by at least one night's sleep).
I will work with my feet propped up, windows open, music loud. I will drink watered-down orange juice and wear pajamas and do 40 hours a week through June. I will get dressed up after my workday and learn my new town. I will not frequent Ray Lewis's barbecue place except as a joke.
At the end of June I will return to the Paris of the South (which is Asheville no matter what anyone says) and take a day or two to relax (because I'll need it) before the whole clan saddles up to head to Ft. Lauderdale to catch our cruise ship. Some Key and Cozumel and Belize will happen, and then I'll take another day or two before returning to my backbreaking labor in Baltimore.
I will, at this point, have about a month more to find work and will, hopefully, begin interviewing and actively seeking a permanent position. With eight months of experience in educational publishing and some glowing references, I should do okay.
"This is an adventure."
MUSIC: antony and the johnsons: free at last
The fix is in, cats and kittens. Today is monday and tomorrow is May. Jesse Williams will have a year on me for a few months, and he can celebrate with Guy Maddin and a shindig I wish I could be around for.
Further down the line the Jenga tower is sturdier than this stack of blocks in front of me ought to suggest. I'm feeling very metaphorical this evening.
First, the past:
Last monday I was given a new assignment at work, and this made me feel like I ought to tell the powers in the office about my plans to flee. There was a late meeting going on, so I sent an e-mail to ask for a sit-down the next day. I came back to work in the morning with an e-mail telling me that the sit-down would have to wait because the person I was to sit down with was currently in California.
More or less immediately thereafter I succumbed to some kind of nightmare plague. I went to bed early on Tuesday and really didn't get up until Saturday afternoon. There were long, long periods of sleep and dream jumbled with reading The Blind Assassin again and watching Arrested Development and the first season of The X-Files. At some point I went into work for a half day. It was like mono except I ate a lot. The impressions left in my mind are surreal.
I made myself stay out of bed and awake on saturday whether I liked it or not. I did not.
It worked, though, and sunday was mostly normal.
The illness makes you stupid (keys left in lock overnight, thinking I called in on Friday when this was in fact a dream, for example). I had taken some work home and left it beside my keys so I would not forget it. I forgot it. I left work after ten minutes to drive back home (with the waning rush) and get it.
Then the long delayed meeting:
- I am moving to Baltimore after my contract ends on May 13
- May 13 is a Sunday, so I am buggering off after the 11th
- Would I be interested in continuing my current project as a freelance?
- This would mean I get paid the same hourly wage and do the same work, submitting my finished product through e-mail.
- I would lose my benefits, though
- And I could probably count on doing this through August with no change in my income.
- And I could do it from home IN BALTIMORE....
- WHILE LOOKING FOR A JOB!
- would I still be interested?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Work from home on my own schedule by the Chesapeake all summer? Be able to go work for a week in Asheville if I so choose? Have a steady income and time to find a really good position? Would I be interested? I would.
The Future:
I am going to Baltimore on the 13. I will go from there to Asheville. In Asheville I will shanghai a car and some pairs of hands, and we will trek up to Cincinnati. We will load a truck with my possessions, give my abode a quick scrubbing and caravan back to Baltimore to get me moved in and situated. Then it's back to asheville to drink more whiskey than Brendan Behan and get my car back (events to be separated by at least one night's sleep).
I will work with my feet propped up, windows open, music loud. I will drink watered-down orange juice and wear pajamas and do 40 hours a week through June. I will get dressed up after my workday and learn my new town. I will not frequent Ray Lewis's barbecue place except as a joke.
At the end of June I will return to the Paris of the South (which is Asheville no matter what anyone says) and take a day or two to relax (because I'll need it) before the whole clan saddles up to head to Ft. Lauderdale to catch our cruise ship. Some Key and Cozumel and Belize will happen, and then I'll take another day or two before returning to my backbreaking labor in Baltimore.
I will, at this point, have about a month more to find work and will, hopefully, begin interviewing and actively seeking a permanent position. With eight months of experience in educational publishing and some glowing references, I should do okay.
"This is an adventure."
MUSIC: antony and the johnsons: free at last
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
I was going to post a picture...
...from my weekend excursion to downtown Cincinnati, but then I figured "hey, if a zombie smoking a cigar won't get you to check out my pictures, nothing will."
Needless to say, I also developed my pictures from the Asheville zombie walk way back in october.
also I bought some cough drops.
MUSIC: belle and sebastian: another sunny day
Needless to say, I also developed my pictures from the Asheville zombie walk way back in october.
also I bought some cough drops.
MUSIC: belle and sebastian: another sunny day
Thursday, April 19, 2007
My car,
Gunmetal Margot, had a lot of problems. One of them was very long-standing. So far as I know, she had an absurd electrical wiring issue that involved one plastic fuse as part of the power flow to her headlights, interior lights, cd player, and brake lights since before I got her. This was stupid. She managed to do all right with it until a short appeared in February.
I replaced the fuse at least once a day until finally Margot rebelled and killed the fuse I put in. She melted it so that no other fuse could be inserted. If you tried, you could hold it while Margot quickly and sparkily melted it into a hot metal nub hugging the transparent green plastic. Needless to say, this display did not make the headlights work.
Gunmetal Margot and I went to see the car-electrical-problems doctor (I'd say it was the car equivalent of a neurologist) and got her brains rewired. Everything works so well that I actually bothered to set the clock on the CD player. I don't have to worry that it's a waste of time, because I KNOW that when I drive over railroad tracks it won't short out and go dead.
Alas, my life is apparently incomplete without electrical problems. I woke up yesterday morning to watch Matt Lauer squint at people in Blacksburg on the Today show before work, and lo, the television did not work. A cursory investigation led me to discover that the sockets in the wall in my living room had become ornamental.
I reset the breakers. All of them. Twice. Nothing.
I called my landlord and she suggested I get an extension cord if I wanted to watch TV. She'd get someone to check it out ASAP, but that usually means, in her experience, a week.
As if that didn't suck enough, there's this happening. It opens in June, so I probably won't be living in the area any more. Is it better that I won't be around to go? Something tells me that they wouldn't take too kindly to my uncontrollable laughter.
Unfortunately, this is not really a joke.
MUSIC: rilo kiley: three hopeful thoughts
I replaced the fuse at least once a day until finally Margot rebelled and killed the fuse I put in. She melted it so that no other fuse could be inserted. If you tried, you could hold it while Margot quickly and sparkily melted it into a hot metal nub hugging the transparent green plastic. Needless to say, this display did not make the headlights work.
Gunmetal Margot and I went to see the car-electrical-problems doctor (I'd say it was the car equivalent of a neurologist) and got her brains rewired. Everything works so well that I actually bothered to set the clock on the CD player. I don't have to worry that it's a waste of time, because I KNOW that when I drive over railroad tracks it won't short out and go dead.
Alas, my life is apparently incomplete without electrical problems. I woke up yesterday morning to watch Matt Lauer squint at people in Blacksburg on the Today show before work, and lo, the television did not work. A cursory investigation led me to discover that the sockets in the wall in my living room had become ornamental.
I reset the breakers. All of them. Twice. Nothing.
I called my landlord and she suggested I get an extension cord if I wanted to watch TV. She'd get someone to check it out ASAP, but that usually means, in her experience, a week.
As if that didn't suck enough, there's this happening. It opens in June, so I probably won't be living in the area any more. Is it better that I won't be around to go? Something tells me that they wouldn't take too kindly to my uncontrollable laughter.
Unfortunately, this is not really a joke.
MUSIC: rilo kiley: three hopeful thoughts
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Is it the increasing smallness of the world that makes us notice,
or is the world really that much more fucked up?
MUSIC: eels: things the grandchildren should know
MUSIC: eels: things the grandchildren should know
Friday, April 06, 2007
bullets (in no particular order)
- I have no story to surround this with, but late at night this week I woke up and briefly outlined a scene wherein a character gets fired from an acting job after repeatedly saying "Macbeth" in the presence of Al Pacino. Example: "I've even done some Shakespeare before. I played the same role as Mel Gibson... um..." Pacino looks dumbfounded. "Macbeth, right?" Then it cuts to him sitting on some steps with a friend. "I didn't get the part... I think I cursed Pacino." "I wouldn't think he'd have a problem with that. Have you seen scarface?" "Not cursed at."
- It is snowing in cincinnati today. It has recently been warm enough for this sort of thing to have happened. This is a good time to remind everyone that I'm still looking for work and a town to move to. Between the weather and the firemen, I think it best that I go.
- I caved in and got an ipod when my cd player snuffed it. I get it, it's awesome.
- Zodiac was awesome. I read a review after I saw it that compared it to spending two and a half hours in a filing cabinet. If you can understand how this is actually a great thing, check it (if it's even still in theaters).
- Romany Malco and I first met when he played MC Hammer in "Too Legit: the MC Hammer Story." After that, I never forgot the name, and when I saw it in the opening credits of "The 40 Year Old Virgin" I was concerned. Lucky for both Mr. Malco and me, he was awesome. Now I've seen him in Weeds, and I think I might need to buy him a drink for ever having doubted him. (In my defense: MC Hammer.)
- Alia Shawkat is turning 18 this month. Is noting that any worse than what George Michael was on about all three seasons? Just in case I would also like to wish a happy 43rd to David Cross in April as well.
- Modest Mouse wants to have a dance party with Dashboard off the new album.
- Does anyone else feel like that throw-away episode of Lost with the Brazilian guy and his Billy Dee Williams-hanging-out-with ho was a retread of some really obvious twilight zone or outer limits episode? Replace Sawyer with Rod Serling at the end with the shovel and give him some, "Paolo and Nikki thought they were only trapped on a deserted island, but through their twisted web of lies and betrayal, they found themselves somewhere far darker. They found themselves in... the twilight zone" line to go out on and tell me it doesn't reek of the dimension between the pit of men's fear and the sum of his knowledge.
- Those ads back in the day about how great that apple-mango detergent smells are dead on.
- I have given up eating animals with four legs as a way to avoid eating the chili. Does that look good to you?
- I am arranging the table of contents. This is as much fun as it sounds.
MUSIC: rock plaza central: anthem for the already defeated
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Spring, like a kitten with attention deficit disorder,
has sprung and then gotten distracted by something that flicked around more and run off. The Ohio River Valley has invested in a sizable piece of string and thinks that spring will be lured back again later this week.
Striking a careful balance between usefulness and enjoyment, I have been running about the area exploring. Though not without it's pleasure (who'd have guessed mexican food in muncie would be a pleasure?), the motivation here is to milk the region so that the likelihood of feeling the least bit guilty for running away in a few months will be decreased.
Speaking of fleeing, some of the attempted usefulness lately has been an effort to find work. The criteria are as follows: work that pays all right that I'm qualified for and that is close to some people I dig. The search has been largely confined to DC, Atlanta, and Asheville. The search has so far been fruitless. Anyone who spots something locally that fits the 'qualified and pays all right' criteria should let me know. The odds of it meeting the other criterion are pretty well assured since, if you're reading this, the position will probably be close to you.
See how that works?
North of Cincinnati, about halfway between here and Dayton, is this thing.
Known locally as "touchdown jesus," this is probably the best whatever it is ever. I think that, by having arms, it cannot be called a 'bust,' technically. I will call it the most stunning example of 1/3-body statuary of the messiah to be found, at the very least, in the greater cincinnati area.
More to the north is Dayton. It's one of those places that we've all heard of but none of us really knows why. Well, having been through town, I can't tell you why. There is a small and pretentious region called "Oregon" that boasts artsy shops and record stores to draw in college kids and tourists yet inexplicably contains some kind of adult shop (videos, novelties, risque garments) on each and every block. Outside oregon, Dayton seems to be pretty well an industrial and suburban wasteland. Also, the Dayton Newspaper's offices are located approximately 21 miles south of town.
This was also in Dayton. Your guess is as good as mine.
MUSIC: joanna newsom: the book of right-on
Striking a careful balance between usefulness and enjoyment, I have been running about the area exploring. Though not without it's pleasure (who'd have guessed mexican food in muncie would be a pleasure?), the motivation here is to milk the region so that the likelihood of feeling the least bit guilty for running away in a few months will be decreased.
Speaking of fleeing, some of the attempted usefulness lately has been an effort to find work. The criteria are as follows: work that pays all right that I'm qualified for and that is close to some people I dig. The search has been largely confined to DC, Atlanta, and Asheville. The search has so far been fruitless. Anyone who spots something locally that fits the 'qualified and pays all right' criteria should let me know. The odds of it meeting the other criterion are pretty well assured since, if you're reading this, the position will probably be close to you.
See how that works?
North of Cincinnati, about halfway between here and Dayton, is this thing.
Known locally as "touchdown jesus," this is probably the best whatever it is ever. I think that, by having arms, it cannot be called a 'bust,' technically. I will call it the most stunning example of 1/3-body statuary of the messiah to be found, at the very least, in the greater cincinnati area.
More to the north is Dayton. It's one of those places that we've all heard of but none of us really knows why. Well, having been through town, I can't tell you why. There is a small and pretentious region called "Oregon" that boasts artsy shops and record stores to draw in college kids and tourists yet inexplicably contains some kind of adult shop (videos, novelties, risque garments) on each and every block. Outside oregon, Dayton seems to be pretty well an industrial and suburban wasteland. Also, the Dayton Newspaper's offices are located approximately 21 miles south of town.
This was also in Dayton. Your guess is as good as mine.
MUSIC: joanna newsom: the book of right-on
Monday, February 26, 2007
"Oscar-winning screenwriter Ben Affleck."
.
.
okay... I think I'm good.
.
.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
.
sorry.
I'm okay now.
Seriously, though. Next year I hope they tack on "and star of Daredevil,"
Having watched the man win an oscar, I still find myself with an unexplainable distaste for Forest Whitaker. Certainly this has a lot to do with having seen Phenomenon, Battlefield Earth, and Phone Booth, but even in the good movies I've seen him in, I still never got hip to the man. Interviews and acceptance speeches and anything else I've seen public speaking-wise hasn't swayed me, either.
I'm not saying he's not a good actor, but I am saying that so far, from what I've seen (and I admit to not having seen Ghost Dog or The Last King of Scotland), he hasn't managed to show me anything that overcomes my inexplicable distaste for Mr. Whitaker.
I also have a lot of dislike for Bill Condon, but this is, I think, entirely splicable. Gods and Monsters was cool and all... but between Chicago and Dream Girls all your street cred is long spent.
Also I would like to point out that Al Gore could win a Nobel Prize in addition to his Oscar. Anyone see that coming back when he was guest spotting on Futurama offering a bag of moon sapphires?
Other related commentary includes radically disapproving of the reduction in pomp. Certainly it would be great if they kept things low key and unfunny (Ellen!) and managed to bring the thing to an end in two hours, but if it's going to be a four hour fiasco anyway, let's have some goddamn fireworks. Also, maybe next year you save the Will Ferrell/Jack Black/John C. Reilly number for another hour or two... you tipped your hand, tiresome awards show. And one final note: flesh tone dresses? seriously?
Next year's best actor category is already developing. I predict a three way split between Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will be Blood," and Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman for "The Bucket List," which will clear the way for Nicholas Cage to get #2 for "Ghost Rider."
There will be a time when "Oscar winning actor Nicholas Cage" will sound as stupid as the Ben Affleck bit. I thought we got past this with the Vampire's Kiss.
MUSIC: clap your hands say yeah!: in this home on ice
P.S. I really didn't think we'd gotten past this, Nick... I just wanted to bring up the vampire's kiss, you scenery chewing woman punching bear, you.
.
okay... I think I'm good.
.
.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
.
sorry.
I'm okay now.
Seriously, though. Next year I hope they tack on "and star of Daredevil,"
Having watched the man win an oscar, I still find myself with an unexplainable distaste for Forest Whitaker. Certainly this has a lot to do with having seen Phenomenon, Battlefield Earth, and Phone Booth, but even in the good movies I've seen him in, I still never got hip to the man. Interviews and acceptance speeches and anything else I've seen public speaking-wise hasn't swayed me, either.
I'm not saying he's not a good actor, but I am saying that so far, from what I've seen (and I admit to not having seen Ghost Dog or The Last King of Scotland), he hasn't managed to show me anything that overcomes my inexplicable distaste for Mr. Whitaker.
I also have a lot of dislike for Bill Condon, but this is, I think, entirely splicable. Gods and Monsters was cool and all... but between Chicago and Dream Girls all your street cred is long spent.
Also I would like to point out that Al Gore could win a Nobel Prize in addition to his Oscar. Anyone see that coming back when he was guest spotting on Futurama offering a bag of moon sapphires?
Other related commentary includes radically disapproving of the reduction in pomp. Certainly it would be great if they kept things low key and unfunny (Ellen!) and managed to bring the thing to an end in two hours, but if it's going to be a four hour fiasco anyway, let's have some goddamn fireworks. Also, maybe next year you save the Will Ferrell/Jack Black/John C. Reilly number for another hour or two... you tipped your hand, tiresome awards show. And one final note: flesh tone dresses? seriously?
Next year's best actor category is already developing. I predict a three way split between Daniel Day-Lewis in "There Will be Blood," and Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman for "The Bucket List," which will clear the way for Nicholas Cage to get #2 for "Ghost Rider."
There will be a time when "Oscar winning actor Nicholas Cage" will sound as stupid as the Ben Affleck bit. I thought we got past this with the Vampire's Kiss.
MUSIC: clap your hands say yeah!: in this home on ice
P.S. I really didn't think we'd gotten past this, Nick... I just wanted to bring up the vampire's kiss, you scenery chewing woman punching bear, you.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
monday?
check.
There's some killer ohio ice storm coming (by the way, ohio... if you're still trying to win my heart, ice storms are the wrong sort of winter weather with which to do it), so that may have been it for work at the office for the next day or two.
That may also be it for electricity for the next day or two, so I have tried to get my idiotic website reading intake up this evening. As a result, I managed to stumble across the something awful notes on "trapped in the closet" only a little too late. The glossary notes under chapter three made me grin like an idiot and made all the secretaries give me weird looks and probably assume I was deranged or in love.
More 'a' than 'b.'
But if you don't chuckle at the definition of "Y'all ass is crazy" then I'm afraid that we can never hang out again. ever.
also, go watch this and tell me that you're not a little upset that you didn't go see it in the theater. I know I am.
Bring on the snow but keep the ice.
MUSIC: madvillain: rhinestone cowboy
There's some killer ohio ice storm coming (by the way, ohio... if you're still trying to win my heart, ice storms are the wrong sort of winter weather with which to do it), so that may have been it for work at the office for the next day or two.
That may also be it for electricity for the next day or two, so I have tried to get my idiotic website reading intake up this evening. As a result, I managed to stumble across the something awful notes on "trapped in the closet" only a little too late. The glossary notes under chapter three made me grin like an idiot and made all the secretaries give me weird looks and probably assume I was deranged or in love.
More 'a' than 'b.'
But if you don't chuckle at the definition of "Y'all ass is crazy" then I'm afraid that we can never hang out again. ever.
also, go watch this and tell me that you're not a little upset that you didn't go see it in the theater. I know I am.
Bring on the snow but keep the ice.
MUSIC: madvillain: rhinestone cowboy
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Nice try, Ohio
And who could resist going to take pictures of a waterslide covered in snow leading into a pool that is, in fact, a giant sheet of variously-thick ice.
MUSIC: tom mcrae: ghost of a shark
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Dear Politicians,
Thanks for the civility, but don't forget that we're still on a swiftboat to clusterfuckville.
Sincerely,
Jef
MUSIC: guided by voices: the official ironmen rally song
Sincerely,
Jef
MUSIC: guided by voices: the official ironmen rally song
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Did I miss a meeting?
I thought it snowed here. I just saw the news. Footage of snow in LA... in Texas?
Over the last week, there has been an ice storm that swept the entire country, coast to coast. It ravaged the north east, dipped down toward Louisiana, meandered up the Mississippi, terrorized Missouri, and attacked New England with a vengeance. It is simply not possible that this storm missed the Ohio River Valley.
But it did.
what?
There has been enough snow, so far this season in Ohio, that, if you kicked around a little, you might be able to hide a dvd case under it.
this is totally unacceptable.
If it doesn't snow within two weeks, I am going to have to... continue to be powerless and unhappy with the weather.
MUSIC: joanna newsom: cosmia
Over the last week, there has been an ice storm that swept the entire country, coast to coast. It ravaged the north east, dipped down toward Louisiana, meandered up the Mississippi, terrorized Missouri, and attacked New England with a vengeance. It is simply not possible that this storm missed the Ohio River Valley.
But it did.
what?
There has been enough snow, so far this season in Ohio, that, if you kicked around a little, you might be able to hide a dvd case under it.
this is totally unacceptable.
If it doesn't snow within two weeks, I am going to have to... continue to be powerless and unhappy with the weather.
MUSIC: joanna newsom: cosmia
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
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