Thursday, November 15, 2007

Baltimore is crawling with Werewolves

Everyone knows that there have been a few werewolf villages from time to time in rural England or in probably Canada, but these were largely wiped out by Christopher Lee in the 40s and 50s. Lee's battle in 1973 with the werewolf queen (crudely reenacted in a 1985 mockumentary) was believed to have caused the extinction of Lycanthropy.

This belief, however, proved false.

Werewolves began to appear in America in the late 1970's but did not begin to gain a foothold until the election of Ronald Reagan. The Reagan era denial of the werewolf problem was due in large part to the myopic obsession with the USSR, and any attempt to draw federal attention to the problem was likely to be shrugged off with a joke about East Germany's female athletes. This high-level denial placed the burden for investigation and prevention squarely on democrat shoulders.

One of the up and coming anti-werewolf activists was a young Marylander named Martin O'Malley. After trying to aid in the fight nationwide, O'Malley dedicated himself to defending the city of Baltimore in particular when he joined the city council in 1991. Both as councilman and mayor, O'Malley kept the werewolf presence to a minimum... which won him some powerful enemies in the werewolf community.

These enemies found their opportunity to strike in January of 2007 when O'Malley left Baltimore after being elected Governor. Stymied for so long, the werewolves were quick to take advantage in January. An unstoppable horde of terror was unleashed on the city, and the terrified authorities could do nothing but try and conceal the problem.

So effective was the effort at concealing that I moved to the heart of the epidemic with narry a clue.

What must be understood is that most of the lycanthrope damage is totally unreported. What is reported comes through as drug-related murders or armed robberies gone awry. Here's the reported incidences (estimates are that actual kills or conversions number in the thousands). Here's where I moved to. I was surrounded.

The attacks were controlled for a short time because of the impending mayoral primaries... now that Baltimore was finally a werewolf playground, the last thing any lycanthrope wanted was to give the voters reason to elect an anti-werewolf candidate like Mike "Wolfsbane" Schaeffer. After Werewolf denier Sheila Dixon won the primary, virtually ensuring election in November, however, I knew it was time to go.

Initially, the plan was to go west. Werewolves hate California due to earthquakes, and the presence of an action hero governor is also a strong deterrent. Plus the shallow style-over-substance aesthetic in Hollywood has always offended the hairy, soulful werewolf. My lovely lady and I barricaded the door and stocked up on silver bullets and waited to hear from employers in the Pacific time zone. When we finally did, though, we were disappointed.

Research has since shown that the move to not hire me was motivated by fear of werewolves giving chase and coming to make war on the pretty boy Hollywood vampires, however, and not by any lack of skill or hireability on my part.

Finally, in desperation to escape, we sold most of our stuff and leapt into the car. The tiny Yaris was full to bursting, and with werewolves on our heels, we had to make haste. First we drove south through pretty much all over Virginia. Fearing that we would be smelled, we looped back and forth over our own tracks many times, going to Asheville, Chapel Hill, Clayton, Spartanburg, Durham, and Raleigh.

We think we finally lost them when we got our scents confused with a lot of apparently delicious farm animals.

It seems that werewolves can only keep one scent straight at a time. I tried cooking with lots of garlic and spice, and we definitely ate plenty of Thai food and even some Vietnamese, but it was to no avail. Bathing and cooking like normal over such a distance would have taken care of our werewolf pursuit problems most years, of course. This is not most years. The severe drought allows scent to carry further than usual without the interference of moisture. That plus the fact that we were being pursued by the werewolf that was once Ray Lewis meant we had a lot to contend with. Good thing werewolves can't resist the smell of baby livestock.

In the clear for the moment, I'm living with my brother and girlfriend in Chapel Hill. Ohio is giving me unemployment so I'm struggling to get some writing done. Bearings are being gotten and plans formulated. By the end of spring I will likely be on the run again.... if I survive that long.

MUSIC: wolf parade: modern world

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