Wednesday, November 09, 2005

"Parents: If you encounter teenagers who say they liked this movie... not let them date your children."

Mr. Roger Ebert said this at the conclusion of his review of Resident Evil: Apocolypse. And yet, there is a third Resident Evil film in the works. It's almost finished. It'll be out by valentine's day.

The year is ending, and great movies will be coming out soon. In the rush that always happens at the end of the year, all the oscar contenders will be coming out, and to keep myself on an even keel, perhaps, I've been looking at all the awful things about to happen to a screen near you.

Paul W.S. Anderson. Not Paul Thomas Anderson, not Wes Anderson, but Paul W.S. Anderson has announced two movies, one of which, I'm not kidding, is called Deathrace 3000. Hollow Man 2 is also in the works. This time Christian Slater will be an invisible man with nothing better to do than molest women. No word on invisible penis presence. And we already know about Saw 2.

You remember how Ben Affleck kept chugging along, putting out nightmare after ungodly nightmare last year? Well... there are three Affleck pictures in the works, but I'm personally hoping they're not all abysmal. Phantoms.

Plus, there's a Tom Arnold movie around the bend for Christmas. Oh, and as these things seem to come in threes, three Kevin Costner pictures are on the way. Watch out! In a related story, three Jennifer Lopez movies as well.

Bittersweetly, though there will be yet another Fast and the Furious, there has been no activity on the part of Rob Cohen since Stealth. Perhaps he learned his lesson.

And watch out for this guy... the only reason he doesn't get a mention by name is that he hasn't done enough that I've seen for me to hate him. yet.

So as you walk in to watch your Harry Potters and your Goodnight and Goodlucks and your Ice Harvests and your Squid and the Whales in the coming months, remember that just around the corner is another videogame film gone awry (not kidding: DOA).

MUSIC: tori amos: lovesong (cure cover)

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