Dear Durham-Chapel Hill DOT,

I know it doesn't snow very often here, but occasionally there is a threat. The south is ill-prepared for snow, so read carefully.

I am a snow repellent.

I spent a winter in the Czech Republic, and we never saw more than three or four inches. The next year I checked. That town saw more than a foot of snow fall on more than two occasions. In 40 hours, at one point, more snow fell than in the entire previous winter.

The next winter I lived in Cincinnati, OH. According to wikipedia, Cincinnati averages 16 inches of snowfall per year. While I was in residence, we got about 3.

Consider yesterday. You guys were calling for 3-5 inches of snow. What did we actually get? A car coating of above-freezing crap. This is likely to be the norm for as long as I live here, so I propose that it is in your best interest to keep me here.

Here is the way to ensure I keep the snows at bay: pay me $500 a week. Does it cost more than that to trust to the forecasts and brine and salt all those streets? I think not. And don't think that the benefit can be had for free. You never know when I'll decide to move to some other random place (see dwellings for last 4 years: Asheville, Cullowhee, Brno, Cincinnati, Baltimore, Chapel Hill), and that would leave you all unprepared and unprotected from a massive snow storm. Your complacence during my residency would leave you devastated and unprepared.

So if you want all the "winter weather events" to be as tame and pathetic as the most recent one, I suggest putting me on the payroll. Otherwise, I might just travel away. Snow will blanket this place is my absence just to spite me. It's my curse.

Sincerely,

J. Vernon Johnson, esq.